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Jul. 9th, 2013

In due Time

Things I see, I will not miss.

For these things are not a bliss.

From day to night

And night to day.

It will not take this pain away.

I see this daunting, radiating light.

It feels as though I am done with this fight.

Through time and space I see your face,

The pain upon it will not stay

For love has guided me all the way.

The things I did,

The things I said.

Will forever remain in your head.

The voice you hear in the middle of the night,

It's me letting you know, I'm by your side.

Forever in your heart,

Forever in your mind.

In due time.

Nov. 8th, 2011

Within Reach

Lately, I have been feeling this sort of cosmic pull. This force to be reckoned with. I feel around me that things are changing. I can see things in the physical world changing as well as the spiritual realm.

In the past 4 months my children and I have gone through an upheaval of sorts. We, have been kicked out of the only home we have known twice. And I had a major medical crisis that left me totally dependent on others. At one point I thought the only way out was to end it all but I thought of them and knew that wasn't the answer.

The past 2 months I have done nothing but be awaken with bouts of sadness and tears in the middle of the night. All I can think of is what can this mundane world offer me? I feel there is no longer hope for me for True love. Health wise I feel doomed. As for wealth, well, what is that? So, I feel lost.

But as of late. I have felt that there IS hope and that it is "within reach." I don't know why but it feels as if it is in my grasps but I can't get it. It's the weirdest thing. Like it's not time yet. Almost but not yet. So I wait. It's so frustrating because I long for that special someone. I want him next to me. To be with me. To walk along side me holding hands. But I wait.

Waiting is the hardest part.

Oct. 19th, 2011

Crush, Crush

So, I found myself having a crush on one of my best girlfriends. It just happened out of the blue out of nowhere. It's weird because we have known each other for years and I have never looked at her as "sexy" for me. You know but maybe or a guy friend of mine but never for me. But after like 2 and a half years of not seeing each other we have both changed. To me she is just beautiful. I see her and i just melt like butter. I don't know what it is about her but I am just so turned on by her. She is just sexy. The problem is I don't think she would feel the same way for me. I'd hate to look stupid and say "hey! I have a crush on you!" Heartbroken when she freaks out and our friendship is messed up. Why would I want to do that? I just can't stand rejection. And I have come to a point in my life that want something more stable and lasting. I'm not settling or jumping in the bed with the first thing that comes along. I am just preserving myself for something worth waiting for. I am worth waiting for. I am worth LOVE. So, I just hope she is someone that feels the same but it looks like not. i think she is out of my league. I feel that she is too good for me. She is. They are always are. UGH! Crush! Crush!

Sep. 14th, 2011

The Craft

I think it's about time to get back into my craft.
I'm Wiccan and I have stayed from my practice 
since coming to Texas. I think once I am grounded
I will be able to focus more clearly on things in my
life. Everything is in shabbles because I haven't done
what I needed to protect myself and my family.

Tonight, I was able to talk to someone I really needed to talk to. Finalize my plans for my memorial service. And 
find some really awesome Wiccan music to listen too.
Never knew how relaxing the music can be.

Just ready to get back to normal and live my life of peacefulness and happiness. I know some people may
not agree with my practice. But I don't judge what you do, so don't judge me. I accept people for who they are no matter how messed up one's life can be. We all have a story. It may not be one we want written but it's ours.
Anyway, I think I am just going to do what makes me happy. That's loving my kids and my Craft.

Sep. 13th, 2011

If things could be so different.............

I wish things could be different.
My life, my thought process, things going through my head.
But they are not. Things seem to be the same and never change.
Life, my thought process and things going through my head.
I wish some times that I wasn't such a free spirit because maybe
I would think things though and not just jump in head first.
I know that's what makes me so unique is my free spiritedness.
But some times I need to weigh out my options.

Like coming back to Texas. I thought it would have been a great thing 
to be close to family and maybe just maybe things would be different.
But nothing ever changes. It just stays the same or worse. It seems I
have made a change but no one else has. It's too much to say the least.

I wish I could erase so much stuff and go back to normal. Whatever normal is. My normal is peace and meditation. I balance of everything. Now, there is nothing but disruption. No harmony what so ever.

When your 38yrs old and trying to commit suicide to leave a place. There is a huge problem. I understand depression because of an illness but that was overboard and I did that. Things need to be different.

I wish they were. This self loothing is not my brightest moment.

Sep. 12th, 2011

Innocent Tears

Tear of laughter
Tears of pain
is there any love to remain?
My tear of laughter will only show
how far the pain has made me go.

I have decided the way I will die.
For the only way is suicide.
I forget about the laughter
Just remember the strife.

I forget about those restless years
I forget the pain.
The Innocent Tears

Sep. 11th, 2011

I'm done!

I'm so tired of fighting this fucking war! Every damn day. The biggest mistake was coming here. I have never hated my life as much as I do now. I hate the fact that I have never that about suicide until I came back here.
Everytime I live with this woman , I want to die. Even more so now then I did when I was a kid. She has pushed me to my limits. I can't take this anymore.
I was peaceful and loving. Now, I am filled with anger and hatered for her. I have never been a person like that. It has shifted so much to where I hate myself.
My kids will not be forced to live under her rule. I refuse to let that happen. My boys love life and don't deserve to be belittled and talked down too. I am so fucking done.
I'm going to give the boys to their father and I am just going to go away. I love my boys but they don't deserve to be miserable. It's not fair to them. 

Why does my life have to be lihe this?! I fucking hate this shit! I'm going through illnesses and now to put up with her shit?!

I'm done! With everything!

Sep. 2nd, 2011

It's Never OK to lie

 My best guy friend is sitting in a cold jail cell because he is being chared with a crime he didn't committ. There is no physical evidance what so ever and going by what a drugged raged teenager has said. Why? What has this legal system come to? I don't understand what the world is coming to these days anymore. I really don't. I guess these are the last days. This man is not a baby raper and never will be. I know it. I know a baby raper when I see one and they are creepy and weird. Some hide and keep things hidden from their families and others don't. But I know one when I see one. I have been such a victim of several attacks in my lifetime. So, I would know. It breaks my heart that my friend has to endure such heartache. I love him so much. He is like a brother to me. I care so much for him. So much. This child has no idea what she has done to him. She has destroyed his spirit and his faith in God.

This family has no idea what they have done to him. I blame the Mother for being hateful. She knows better. She will pay for this. I'm sorry but she will. Heaven don't last always.

Aug. 1st, 2011

I've Had Enough!

 I have had about all I can take in tragedies in this lifetimes in and in the next! I swear I have! I wish I could have just wrapped my therapist up and brought her along with me as a packaged deal of some sort!. I have no one to talk to and my mind is about to explode! Or rather implode! I really can't take this anymore.

So, we leave like literally right after my brother's funeral and hit the road back to Texas. It was a 2 days trip that a vaguely remember because I drugged myself up to forget it. So, When we get to Texas I end up in the ER because I am swelled up like a balloon. GREAT! My Mom is worried because of CHF (congestive heart failure) setting back in. So , good thing it wasn't that it was just the edema from the trip. So, I was fine there but My level for my kidneys are not good at all so they were worried and said I need a doctor. They refereed me to who? My Mother's doctor! Hell no! So, she can know my business! That is crazy! No way! So, I wait until my case in NY is settled until I can find a doctor here. Which sucks. Because the longer I wait the sicker I become.

So, last night I'm talking to my best guy friend. and he says can he ask me a serious question? I'm like sure go ahead whatever you. And he asks me to marry him. Like it was nothing at all. I told him If I thought you were serious I would say maybe. And he said I am serious! I was like wha............ Mouth opened the whole nine yards! So, after I was done freaking out I told him like I always tell him. I don't  want to be a burden on anyone. Yada yada yada......The whole thing and how that death can come at any moment..whatever, whatever.....and he said, Well at least I know I would have ended this marriage the right way. Awwww! But then I said What if I live? Curve ball! I'm a total Bitch! And he said and I'm as asshole. Then we said there you go! We are perfect for each other and I said yes! So, I guess October 27, of next year I'm getting married! Maybe? Who knows what could happen in a year!
I went to sleep with a smile on my face and in my heart but with some questions this morning. but who doesn't? You know? Still with a smile. I woke up with.
Then came the news. My Godmother told me this morning that she is having biopsy done on her back bone to see if she has bone cancer. Really? Are you serious? Cancer again? Can you get any worse again? My goodness! I am so sick of this freaking cancer that I want it gone and out of the window! I swear if her or my Mother is taking out be cancer I am gonna be so freaking pissed off. Even more pissed then I am now! I love my Godmother with all my heart. I haven't seen her since I was a little girl. And when I see her again I don't want it to be when her body is in a box. That's crazy. That's how I saw my brother and I am so angry because of that. I'm the one who is sick, I should have been in that box not him! That angers me so much! If it were not for my boys I would not get any kind of treatment. Pisses me off! Grrr! But, I know I must keep going forward with whatever foot I have. So be it. Still, I have yet to cry for my brother. I don't know what is holding back the tears. I love him so much and miss him like crazy. I am just so angry right now!

Jul. 18th, 2011

My Big Brother Brenton

 My Big Brother Brenton is a gentle soul. Well, from what I remember of him anyway.He is just like me. Different for the rest of the siblings. We danced to the beat of our own drum. I remember I came up from a visit in 1986 and we talked about Soap Operas! I never laughed so hard because he knew so much and he could sound like the people! He made me cry laughing so hard! Then in in 2001 I came again for a visit and he just embraced me and said don't lose contact with me "little sister". But we had for just a bit but we found each other again. then we lost contact again. Our lives so busy and so different. I know he had a partner but who cares he is my brother and I love him and his partner no matter what! That's me!
I don't judge people's lifestyle. That's their choice. Who am I to judge? I'm just me.
Now my Big Brother is on Life Support. He is hooked to machines. And I being his baby sister has to sit there day in and day out watching those machines breathe for him. I can't stand that. I don't know if he would want that or not? But he is His Mother's only child. So, who am I to make that call? He still has brain function and yesterday he lightly squeezed my hand as if to say" Hey sis, I'm still in here!" I know he is. I know he wants to come home and talk and walk and see us! I want to see him. I miss him! I love him! It's just so sad to see him on all that stuff.
Lord help me if something happens to him when I move to Texas. I don't think I could handle that. It would be too much. It really would. All I know is that I love him with all my heart.

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